A Brown Christmas

The day started with excitement oozing out of my 3 1/2 year old. He woke up at 6:30am, came downstairs and was thrilled to see that Santa did indeed make a stop at our house.

Santa overdid it, of course, because if it's worth doing...it's worth overdoing. That's just this Santa's policy. We spent the day playing trucks, legos, Candy Land, Dominoes, Bendaroos, Hungry Hungry Hippos, and learning how to use the Leapster 2. It was fun, for about a couple hours.

Then the overstimulated "fortunate" boy (read: spoiled rotten) started getting whiny, cranky, etc. (See? See what I did there? I talk about overdoing...and then complain that my child is a brat. What the?) Anyway, we popped in the new Tom & Jerry DVD and while that worked for a while, he was still pretty wound up. Obviously overstimulated.

After fighting to get dressed (just like any other day...because he hates clothes, remember), we scooted out the door and headed to Grandma and Grandpa's. Thank goodness for that trip! He took a nap in the car, all 45 minutes of it. It was nice to get out of the house and have the opportunity to pawn him off on G'ma and G'pa for a bit. Plus, there's the fact that he is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT child when around G'ma and G'pa.

Anyway, he had piles more gifts from G'ma and G'pa, and was pretty well behaved for about 2.5 hours...then it went way down hill. Tired. Overstimulated. Time to leave.

He was awake the entire ride home, but once home and laying in bed, he fell asleep within minutes. Barely made it through the first book. Thank goodness!

Speaking of books...THEE coolest gift of all. "Twas the Night Before Christmas" narrated (recorded) by G'ma and G'pa. This is something I think the boy and I will both treasure forever.

It rained the entire day and the dusting of snow we had is now gone and we are left with mud. A brown Christmas. Pfft.

Check. Check. Is this thing on?

Hi, yes, it's me. I am alive. Just caught up in, er, life, I guess. I'm just going to ramble on a bit, how's that?

The boy started his new school. He cries every morning, doesn't want me to leave. But when I pick him up, he rambles on and on about how much fun he had. He has been going almost a full month, and still cries every morning, was sent home with a fever of 101.5, still has a cold, has had the croup. The joys of new germs. Yummy.

They've been practicing for their Holiday Program, which I am insanely excited about. If we wouldn't have made the switch from home sitter to daycare, I wouldn't get a Holiday Program until Kindergarten. So excited I can't stand it, and it hasn't even happened yet.

The boy occasionally asks why he doesn't go to Pat's anymore. I wasn't sure what to say. So, I said "Because Pat wasn't teaching you anything and we want to make sure you are ready for Kindergarten when you get bigger". He bought it. He talks about his little friend Tommy (at Pat's) a lot. I should probably try to get Tommy's moms phone number.

My job is insanely busy. This is good, yes, but I am absolutely beat at the end of the day. I wear about a dozen or so different hats throughout the day and am amazed each and every day when I look up and it's 5pm. Where did the day go? Did I finish one thing from start to finish...likely not. Hats strewn about my desk are very distracting.

The husband quit working with his brother because they can't seem to get along. The 2 days he was working with him were also making it difficult for him to get his school work done. So, now he is staying home all week. He is doing all of the cooking, all of the laundry, and most of the cleaning, which is lovely to come home to. Not sure how long we are going to survive on my salary plus unemployment, but we're going to give it a shot.

I feel like a slug. Failing miserably at WW. Needed a "break" from spin. That was 2 weeks ago. I want to go to spin, and I want to follow WW...but all of those hats are very distracting.

Christmas shopping is done except for nieces and parents. Everything is picked out, just need to buy it. Should be done tomorrow.

Dying for a vacation. Out of my mind that I don't get my annual trip to NYC this year. Have to keep reminding myself that this situation won't last forever and will be in NYC again soon. Also need to remind myself that we are going to Myrtle Beach in the summer. GADS. Every time I say it, it makes me want to barf. Summer in the South. I can't think of anything less appealing. Well...frogs are less appealing. But, that's about it. OMG, and especially if I don't lose this weight. Can you imagine.

Need new living room furniture desperately. No money for it. Husband says it's at the bottom of the priority list. Completely disagree.

Time to wash this L'Oreal Dark Brown hair color out of my hair and hope the gray is gone. If not, I guess it's a good thing I have so many hats.

15 minutes = $30

[googly eye glasses that Grandma and Grandpa were handing out}

The first costume Zane picked out was a Tiger. It was sized for age 3-4. I didn't think to try it on him before we left the store. Because, well, he's size 3-4. A couple hours after we got home, he said he wanted to try it on. Well...we tried to put it on. I think the size was more like 24 months...it was a 1 piece "suit" and it was about 5 inches too short from going over his shoulders, and the legs were 4-5 inches too short as well. So the Halloween Store's policy...No Returns, No Exchanges, No Refunds.

Well, that is, unless you are me. Natch.

We went back to the store that night, about 4 hours after we purchased the Tiger costume, and I explained the situation. She hemmed and hawed a bit and then decided that as long as we pick something that is the same price or more we could exchange it.

YIPPEE.

So, we settled on the Thomas the Tank Engine costume, $30 - more expensive than the tiger. Again, natch.

He wore it for approximately 15 minutes tonight. We went to 2 houses in Adrian (Grandma and Grandpa Owens' neighborhood) and then he was done. He didn't even want to sit on the porch and hand out candy. He wanted to sit inside and play with his trucks/trains. He didn't even want to eat any candy.

Daddy is disappointed that he appears to have developed his mother's love (read: dislike) of Halloween.

FREE BREAST IMPLANTS!

Doctors. They're supposed to help, right? They are supposed to be healers. They are supposed to make us feel better. Right? Right???

Well, last week I noticed a wet spot on the cups of my bra. Nipple discharge.

After the fog cleared around me, I picked up the phone and called my Dr's office. I was able to get in first thing the next morning.

I arrived 10 minutes early (why do I always do that for Dr appointments, knowing damn well they will be late) and was under the impression I would see MY Dr. It wasn't until this obnoxious red haired bitch walked in that I realized I got in so quickly because I was seeing the Dr that was available.

Her ramped up demeanor, belittling attitude and obnoxious tone of voice had me retracting the instant she walked in. I told her why I was there, and that I had recently had a mammogram which said that the large (um, nearly the size of a tennis ball) cyst in my breast was perfectly normal...and now I have stains on my bra from discharge. I also told her that several people, including someone who HAS breast cancer right now that started with finding a "perfectly normal cyst", have recommended that I have the cyst biopsied. This is when she went off the deep end.

The attitude got even worse and she spoke to me as if my concerns and the concerns of other people were inconsequential. She told me I shouldn't take advice from anyone who isn't a "Dr" (complete with the finger "quotes"), and that the cyst is completely normal and I should think of it as a FREE BREAST IMPLANT and stop worrying! Yes! She said this to me. A female fucking doctor, talking to a freaked out patient who is convinced she has breast cancer! How inappropriate was that?

Anyway, my mind was whirling the entire time I was there. I wanted to ask her who the hell she thought she was. Or who she thought she was talking to. I wanted to tell her to leave the room and send in Dr. W. I wanted to PUMMEL HER.

She did refer me to a surgeon who could drain the cyst (for comfort sake) and told me that if I wanted to have it biopsied, to go ahead but she wouldn't refer me to anyone, and she ordered blood work to have the levels in my pituitary gland checked. If I have a tumor on my pituitary gland, that can cause nipple discharge. We'll see.

*the discharge could be any number of things: stimulation, from the pressing and squeezing of the mammogram, tumor on the pituitary gland, etc...

Infinity Plus Ten

Ten years ago today, Dan and I exchanged vows in the Evergreen Hill area of Hidden Lake Gardens. I had big plans of surprising him with a visit to the site in which we exchanged vows, we were going to have wine and a picnic lunch. We were going to be driven by limousine. We were going to have the day to ourselves to celebrate 10 years of marriage.

Then reality hit. The boy has Zoo Preschool from 9am to 11:30am on Fridays. My husband has school from 8am to 2pm on Fridays.

My plans...out the window.

Then my mom made an offer we couldn't refuse. "How about if your dad and I keep Zane Saturday night (over night)?"....well, HELLS YES! This would be the first time in Zane's 3 years, 4 months and 6 days that he has ever slept in a house/hotel/apartment without us. Which also means this is the first night in 3 years, 4 months and 5 days that we've had a night alone.

So, how exciting is that? Wow!

No clue what we'll do (heh!)...but it will be fun. And I can't wait. Was supposed to go back to Paris for our 10th, but I suppose a night alone is second best.

Anyway, Happy Happy 10th Anniversary to my best friend, the father of my child and the love of my life.

9/11/09

This day of rememberance has always left my heart heavy. I will never forget where I was, what I was doing or how I was feeling. I will never forget my visit to NYC just over a month after the attacks. I will never forget the site. I will never forget the smell. Oh, the smell. I will never forget the mourners. The still standing church just mere feet from the rubble. I will never forget the photo's of victims...some already declared dead. Some "missing". Walking up and down the streets surrounding the WTC was perhaps the most humbling experience of my life.

But this day, 9/11/09, will be a day I remember forever for the good things it brought.

The boy started Preschool today at The Toledo Zoo. We've been talking about it a lot in hopes of preparing him to go to school, with people he doesn't know, without mommy or daddy. He did a SUPER job. He instantly made friends with a boy named Jake. When the teachers arrived and told all of the kids to hang onto the rope, my son abliged without any argument. I wasn't aware he could follow instructions.

He held the rope (if one of the kids drops the rope, the group stops) all the way into the school. He didn't look back. He didn't cry. Meanwhile, I was standing around the corner (peeking) with tears streaming down my face.

I finally got in my car and headed to my next destination. St. Anne's Mercy Cancer Center.

2 weeks ago I experienced sharp shooting pains in my left breast which lasted for about 2 hours. I scheduled an appointment with my GP and she felt a large mass, and ordered a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.

At 10am this morning, I had both tests. I have been a NERVOUS WRECK for 2 weeks. There is history of breast cancer on both sides of my family. Not first degree relatives, but 2nd and 3rd.

Since my tests were "diagnostic" and not just preventative, the radiologist read the results immediately.

Turns out I do have a cyst. A PREFECTLY NORMAL LOOKING CYST. So normal, in fact, that they said no further tests or procedures were necessary.

So, thank goodness. My 2 week breast cancer scare is over.

I DO NOT HAVE BREAST CANCER. I DO NOT HAVE BREAST CANCER.

I.DO.NOT.HAVE.BREAST.CANCER.

*breathe*

Sand and Surf

We went to the beach today. Lake Erie, Vermillion Ohio, Volunteer Bay beach area to be exact.

85 degrees and blue skies. Too hot for my blood. But, I suppose it wasn't about me.

The boy had a great time. From digging, to driving trucks in the sand and the big hole, to looking for shells, to floating in the water, running along the shore, acting like a dog, running up the steps, etc.

None of it held his interest for long. It was non stop from one thing to the other and back again.

We had fun, oh sure. Could I ever see myself doing this every day? No. Could I ever see myself vacationing on a beach? Highly unlikely.

He dumped sand on his friends head. He got a time out. ON THE BEACH.

Miraculously they said they wanted us to come back up again soon. And we will. It was a good time and the boys played great together, except for the whole time out ON THE BEACH thing.

Good news is that I'm feeling good about Weight Watchers. Had an excellent and super motivating meeting this morning. So, maybe someday I will get in a bathing suit and in the water with him. Maybe someday I will be back in front of the camera instead of always behind it. And maybe someday I will want to take a beach vacation. Maybe. Someday. Maybe.

A more deserving couple there is not

Very good friends of mine are hoping to adopt a child.

Please visit their website to learn more about them and their dreams of having a family.

I am asking you to spread the word...keep your eyes and ears open...contact my friends or I if you learn of a mother considering adoption.

They are everything that parents should be and more...

Sleep with me

On, Friday, June 3rd, Mommy put together your big boy bed. A full size bed with super cute truck/car bedding.

You were incredibly excited to see it and immediately climbed up and began jumping and twirling and singing.

On your first night, Mommy crawled into bed with you and read you two books. You wanted Mommy to stay. So I did. I woke up to you tapping my shoulder saying "Mommy, I woke up in my big boy bed, lets get up". It was 7:40am. Good job buddy.

Day two naptime came. I sat in your bed and read you a book and then told you that you could read and play IN your bed, but we need to have quiet time. I heard you horsing around for a bit but then it was quiet. You napped for 2 hours.

Day two bedtime was the same as the first night. Mommy woke up at 11pm and went in her own bed though, instead of staying with you all night.

Day three nap was not such a success. Daddy laid with you (mommy was out running errands) and said you were jumping all over him, so he left you to nap. An hour later, Daddy said you were wandering around upstairs. No nap.

Bedtime that night you were exhausted. So, bath time and then mommy laid with you for 15 minutes, read 2 books and told you that you could continue reading or playing IN your bed and I would check on you in a little bit. 5 minutes later I hear you padding around upstairs. You have to go to the bathroom. You use the bathrom and it's back to bed. I peek up 15-20 minutes later, your light is on. I open the door and tell you lights out, to which you reply "I'm reading and I need the light to see my book". Ok! Lights out when you are done with our book. I checked back in 15 minutes, your light was out and you were quiet.

Day 4, I laid with you for a few minutes and told you that you could read. You turned your light off after 15-20 minutes and were quiet. Naptime at the sitter, no clue how that went.

Day 5. Same routine only you were pretty wound up. You were jumping around and acting like a maniac for what seemed like forever. Mommy and Daddy left and I heard you padding around upstairs after just a few minutes. You had to pee. After your business, you went back to bed. 15 minutes later, you are sitting at the top of the steps calling my name. You want to show me the string you pulled off your jammies. I send you back to bed, only to hear you (fake) crying 10 minutes later. I come in and you tell me you need the yellow duckie from the hanging stuffed animal bin. I gave you the duck and left. I come up to bed at 10:15pm to find you awake with an enormous amount of stuff (everything else from the hanging bin) in your bed reading books. I turn out the light and tell you I am going to bed and not coming back in. You go to sleep. Or, at least I think you do. Sitter...no idea about the nap.

Day six...wound up, acting like a crazee, had to pee, want me to stay, etc. I left after 15 minutes. You screwed around until I came in at 10:15pm. You said you were afraid of the firecrackers. I crawled into bed with you and slept with you until 12:30am. You were up at 6:15am. Nap at the sitter...I think.

Day 7 - had to pee, acting crazy, insisted that I stay after reading. I stayed for 15 minutes. You were up there screwing around for quite some time, I was exhausted and couldn't deal, so I crawled into bed with you. At least that way I knew where you were. Sitter for nap.

Will someone tell me why it was so necessary to get him in a big boy bed? Was three and a month and a half really too old to sleep in a crib? Because we never had sleep issues in the crib. He has been a dream of a sleeper since he was 3 months old. And now I have to deal with this?

MEH. MEH, I say. MEH.

Before and After

Thank you Gus&Max for 3 great years of Mod Cube Bedding.

Thank you Land Of Nod for the next (hopefully) many years of Department of Motor Vehicles Bedding.

I can't wait to see my big boys face when he see's his new room.

Exciting and sad at the same time.

rambling. oh, and more rambling.

Phew! It was difficult, but I did it!

2 posts in June.

Pathetic.

So....there are many things swirling around in my head. Things I want, things I need, things I want to do, things I need to do. I'm a bit obsessed with thinking about these things, yet, I have very little motivation for the things that need to get done and not near enough money for the things that need to be purchased.

...new dishwasher (current one no longer *cleans*), front porch furniture, upstairs bathroom remodel, living room furniture, new mattress, mastopexy...garage door painted, picnic table painted, broken Adirondack chair fixed and both painted, back screen door painted, front porch painted, toys and outgrown clothes donated...

I have drawn 3 tattoos that I want to get, and am searching for a big colorful butterfly, or a group of them, too. I have to earn these new tattoos, by losing weight, and have joined Weight Watchers again (on June 9) and have lost 6.4 lbs in 3 weeks. I feel ok about that. It didn't come on overnight, it certainly isn't going to come off that way. At 20 lbs lost I can get my next tattoo. I am motivated by this. I am also motivated by having WW buddies this time around. I had buddies when I was successful and made Lifetime 5+ years ago. I have joined 2 times since the boy was born, and have failed miserably. I'm ready. I'm excited. I don't want to be uncomfortable in my skin anymore. My husband is so fit. SO incredibly fit. And even more so now that he does hard physical labor all day. We must look really silly together. Ugh.

I want to wear all of my skinny clothes. I spent a LOT of money on those clothes.

I want to go on a family vacation. Very much need to get away, but think travel with a rambunctious 3 year old boy will be more frustrating than relaxing. Plus, it would have to be fun for all of us, which is difficult when your child loves water, hot weather, being outside, etc. and mom hates all of those things. Ugh. Need to look for a place nearby that has something for everyone. I hate being hot...so it will probably have to wait until the fall. And then we'll have Zoo Preschool schedule to deal with. Ugh.

Need to decide what classes to take and get registered. Hello. Why am I procrastinating this?

Moving to our new office on the 17th. Exciting and scary at the same time.

There's more. I'm just very well prepared.

THUH-RHEE

Ok, yes, I love my son to pieces.  But...

The early stages of three are making me insane.  Where to begin?

The mornings...he will stand and cry until I pick him up and CARRY him down the steps.  He weighs 35 lbs and I have a friggin herniated disc in my neck!  Pain.

He eats breakfast in front of cartoons...which is fine, it's peaceful...but then REFUSES to brush his teeth.  I have to bring the tooth brush to him and practically SIT ON HIM to brush his friggin teeth.  Every.Single.Morning.  Exhausting.

Lately, he wants me to CARRY him to the car too.  UGH.

We were at a party a couple weeks ago, and all of the kids (ALL) were lining up and getting ready to take their turn at hitting the pinata.  My son stood in the middle of the kids and screamed at me, in the nastiest 3 year old tone ever, "Nooooo Mommy.  I don't want to stand in line...I just want to use the bat.  NOW!!!!"  Nice.

The time out chair does not seem to work anymore, so time outs are now taken standing with his face in the corner.  He hates it.  Maybe it will work.

He sobs when he doesn't get his way.  Sobs.  Huge tears streaming down his face.  Throws himself on the floor.  Gags and coughs like he is going to barf.

He also sobs when his feelings get hurt.  I feel sort of bad.  But not really.

The night time putting on pajama issues have settled a bit...because I decided I should start doing bedtime alone again.  Since daddy lost his job, we have been doing bedtime together...I think the boy felt the need to entertain us and see what kind of reaction he could get.  He was out of control and often times daddy would have to PIN HIM DOWN to get his jammies on.  Since I have been doing it alone, there is less craziness.  So, we're going to go with this.

He gets over stimulated/excited/whatever and acts like a complete jerk.  He gets upset when friends play with his toys, and sometimes even acts out by dumping a pail of sand on a friends head, or hitting a friend with whatever toy he is playing with.  It's ridiculous.

He wants to be the center of attention.  He cannot stand it when the world does not revolve around his every breath.

There is so much I don't like about three that I really can't put it all into words.

I love him to pieces and absolutely cannot imagine life without him.  I am hopeful that three will only last until four and not until five like some other parents have told me.  UGH.  

Three

Dear Zane,

The time has past so fast and I am amazed and awed by you on a daily basis.  Who would have guessed my little Sweet Potato Pumpkin Pie would have turned into such a big boy so quickly. There's no way I could ever compile a comprehensive enough list of YOU, so here are just some tidbits I can think of...

*Vocabulary = incredible.  Our neighbor (an early education teacher of many years) claims that you have the vocabulary of a 6-7 year old.  I'm not sure I believe that, but you are awesome.

*You have an outstanding memory.

*You have started to spell a few words.

*You know your full name and birthdate.

*You were potty trained (pee) in 2 days, and about a week and half for the other.

*You are about 36 lbs, 39" tall.

*You wear a size 8 shoe.

*You are very excited that Daddy is home more and you want to play with him around the clock.

*When you are tired/hurt/sick/crabby, you only want Mommy.

*You are very nice and gentle with the kitties and they are now showing you how much they love you.

*You weren't afraid of Santa Clause, or the photographer who took our family pictures and your 3 yr portraits.

*You say cheese and look at me (usually) when I want to take your picture, which is a welcome change from you saying NO and running the opposite direction.

*You act like a wild boar when it's time to put jammies on for bedtime, but after 2 books, you still settle right down in bed.

*You are still in a crib although we have been talking about your big boy bed recently.  Grandma and Grandpa gave you big boy bedding for your birthday.

*You like to have your door open at night now, and you occassionally talk about monsters, but believe mommy when I tell you that monsters can't get into our house because the kitties would eat them.

*You love trucks, trains, rocks and dirt.  You are all boy.

*You hate time-out, but you continue to do the things that get you there.

*You like to use several different voices and like to make up your own words.

*You love when I use differnt voices when reading books and you always tell me to "talk like the truck/cow/kittens/car wash/slide, etc". 

*You are wearing mostly 3T clothes, but many of them are too short.  4Ts are huge around if they don't have an adjustable waist.

*You went to the dentist for the first time and acted like you have been there a hundred times.

*When mommy is acting silly by calling things in books by the wrong, or goofy, names, you either say "nooooo, it's a ____" or you look at me like I am crazy but you don't want to hurt my feelings and say "okay".

*You have recently started picking up your things when I ask you to...which is very helpful.

*You love to HELP with anything.

*You are obsessed with the hose.  You love to water the plants (you tell everyone..."I'm growing tomatoes by feeding them with the hose"), and the rocks in the back yard.

*You are still a great eater.  Sometimes it's hard to keep you in your chair, but you still eat well and a lot.  And you like most everything.

*You are still addicted to milk, and have never had juice or pop.

*You are a junk food junkie, but it appears you have your father's metabolism.

*Sometimes when I ask you to do something, you reply with "I can't, my back/neck/arm hurts" and it makes me feel terrible.

*You are very outgoing and will talk to anyone.  You very rarely act shy around anyone.

*You pout, and sometimes cry big crocodile tears, when you don't get your way.

*You say you don't need a nap anymore and cause quite a ruccus sometimes but you settle right down once we are in your room reading books.

*You love to snuggle under a blanket on the couch with me.

*You hate brushing your teeth and fight it almost every day.

*You love to look for bugs.  

*You collect sticks, rocks, leaves, grass clippings, etc. whenever we walk around the neighborhood.

*You love to talk on the phone and can actually hold a conversation (well, as much as a 3 yr old can).

*You love playing with your dad's tools.

*You love to push big trucks up and down the sidewak (and anywhere and everywhere).  You are a pusher.

*You are on the go...go...go, around the clock.

I have so much love for you.  People without children can never truly understand how much a child changes your life.  

I love you buddy,

Mommy.

What a Girl (Mommy) Wants

Mother's Day 2009

Sleeping in until 8:30am followed by a home cooked breakfast followed by a gift card to her favorite makeup store and a Zane original on canvas followed by Daddy and the Boy heading out to the park/woods/swamp to play for a few hours while mommy did whatever she pleased. 

Ending with dinner with Grandma and Grandpa, in which the boy was incredibly well behaved even after waiting an hour for a table.  

It doesn't get much better.

Ramble On

As I was sitting on my office buildings City Room deck during my lunch break, I was thinking about some of the things that I love these days:

*The current weather.  Rain or shine...60s and low 70s are just my style.

*Neurontin.

*That my new company offers tuition assistance.

*That when my son gets a boo-boo, only "I" will do.

*"It Sucked and Then I Cried", by Heather Armstrong.  So much of it seems so familiar.  I'm not sure I needed to be admitted to a mental hospital, but I guess we will never know.  (and thanks Steve for getting me a signed copy)

*That my husband is home EVERY night and EVERY weekend.  At last.

*That my new company dress code is a little more business casual and less slob.

*That my son corrects me when I call a piece of construction equipment by the wrong name.

*My new tattoo, especially after the touch up and added magenta heart.

*That I feel OK about having to take my check card out of my wallet in order to make our new budget work.

*The 75% off ($6) leather and suede flats I bought at Target to replace the $100 fsny flats that fell apart from too much love.

*That I feel good about cutting carbs and caffeine.

*That my husband agreed to do a "family only" 3rd Birthday Party for the boy.

*My Scion xB.

*My flower beds/yard/pots.

*That my best friend of 35+ years found a "nice guy" who treats her well and makes her happy.  I won't mention that I tried to hook them up 15+ years ago.

*The Toledo Zoo, Metroparks and 'Hood adventure walks with the boy.

*That the parts of my job I dislike most will no longer be my responsibility.

*The sound of my son's laughter, even if he does occassionally sound possessed.  That's part of his charm.

Throat Slitting

I was out of my mind with anxiety over the thought of having this cervical surgery.  Out of my friggin mind.  Out.Of.My.Mind.  Did you get that?

OUT.OF.MY.MIND.

On Tuesday, I met with an Orthopedic Surgeon at UT Medical Center.  After talking to his assistant (a cute-ish Dr in training), he and the Ortho reviewed my MRI.  They both came back in and did a couple strength tests, and then the Ortho said this (kinda sorta verbatim):

You do have a ruptured disc, but since you've only been feeling this way for a few weeks, I do not think surgery is the right thing to do at this time.  Lets start with some medication and physical therapy.  We'll do that for about 4 weeks.  If that doesn't work, we will schedule a steroid injection.  And if that doesn't work, then maybe we will talk about surgery.  BUT, I think you will find much relief from the medication and physical therapy and won't even need to get the shots.

WHA?

Then he said this:  I am very surprised that the Neurosurgeon you saw said your only option was surgery.  That is not at all how we feel about your condition, and we feel other options should be explored/exhausted before we consider surgery.  

WHA?

So, my PT starts next week and I am taking Methylprednisolone (a 6 day pack) and Neurontin.  I'm thankful that the Methylprednisolone is only for 6 days as there is the chance of weight gain.  That't the last thing in the world that I need.  The Neurontin could cause all sorts of weird mood issues like "frank psychotic manifestations"...whatever the heck that means  But, it could also cause euphoria.  So far...euphoria is the only side effect I have had.  And I rather like it.

My arm is a leetle bit sore, my index finger is still numb and I occassionally have muscle twitches, but the terrible pain and feeling that my arm is going to fall of, or rather is being PULLED off has gone away.  I am giddy and giggly and feel good.  It's very weird.  Sort of...er, euphoric.

I'm diggin it.

And lastly, my son named his stuffed dog "Rudy Kazootie"....where does this random weirdness come from.  

Lemony Snicket's Got Nothin On Me

I've been absent.  I know.  I'm sortof just trying to keep my head above water right now.

On Friday, April 3rd, sitting at my desk at work...not really doing much of anything, my left arm started feeling tingly, heavy, painful, twitchy and my index finger and middle finger went numb.  I shook it off to just weird "me" and enjoyed the weekend.  Monday morning I still felt weird, so I got in to see my massage therapist right away.  After an hour long massage...I felt the same.  No relief whatsoever.

I made an appointment with a General Practioner.  I have been terrible about having regular checkups with a doctor and was long overdue for a visit.  Part of the problem was that I needed to find a new one, which seemed like a miserable daunting task.  Since it was an emergency, I asked around and found a Doctor who was recommended and also a preferred provider on my insurance.  

10 days after the initial incident and 10 days of eating Motrin & Advil like candy, I saw the doctor.  First off...I love the Doctor.  Her bedside manner was great, she was a new mom and was actually carrying her baby in a sling (oh, and the nurse was cool...tattooed, and her daughter works at the tattoo shop I go to)...anyway, she ordered bloodwork and an MRI.  

I have the blood drawn on the 14th, the MRI on the 15th.  The Dr's office calls on the 16th to tell me I have a protruding disc in my neck and they want me to see a Neurosurgeon.  I ask if they can tell me what to take, or prescribe something, for pain because Motrin and Advil are doing nothing.  She gives me a prescription for Ultram.  

I see the Neuro on April 20th, and after a couple strength tests, and before reviewing my MRI he tells me exactly what is wrong.  A ruptured/herniated disc at C6/7.  He puts the MRI up and confirms that it is indeed a ruptured/herniated disc and it is actually pressing on my spinal cord.  Hence the arm issues.  I also have a ruptured/herniated disc at C5/6, but not as bad.  

His recommendation?  Anterior Cervical Microdisectomy/Fusion...which consists of an incision in the FRONT OF MY NECK, navigating thru my neck tissue, carotid artery, voice box, trachea, and esophagus to get to my spine where the ruptured discs are removed and replaced.  

Recovery period is 2-8 weeks!  I wouldn't be able to lift more than 10 lbs for 3 weeks and 20 after 4 weeks, which will make life with a 3 year old very difficult.  

I am SOBBING when I leave the Neuro's office.  There HAS TO be another option.

I decide I should get a second opinion and after talking to a friend, have made an appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon.  My appointment is tomorrow.  

I have no idea what I will do if his only recommendation is to CUT.  I realize they are surgeons, but it sure seems like some sort of therapy or other method of recovery/pain management would have to be exhausted before jumping into CUTTING MY NECK OPEN!

And...on top of all of this nonsense, my employer announced their merger last week.  The merger is a good move for the company and I have very positive thoughts and feelings about this merger, but there's still a bit of me that is scared.  I've been down this road before.  

And, And...my husband's severance has run out.  We are now living in reality.

And lastly...our 1 and only credit card company (Bank of Fucking America In The Ass) sent a notice that our 6.99% FIXED rate is being changed to a VARIABLE rate...currently 25.65%!!!  We have a modest balance, pay on time (automatic payments), pay the minimum, etc.  We have never ever done anything wrong.  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  Mother fuckers.

Must.Remain.Positive.

I love this little boy...that's positive.  

 

four-oh

My love is 40 today.  FORTY!  

And still as hot as hell.  

WOW!

So sweet

How did my baby get so big?   I am in denial that he is going to be 3 years old next month.  The "almost three" has been a bit of a challenge, but he still brings me so much joy.

I know I boast about his vocabulary and brilliance frequently, but this kid is really and truly amazing.  No matter where we are, another parent asks how old he is and seems to be amazed when he tells them how old he is.  He's very sweet and very polite.  

I really only have one other child to compare him to, and that's a little boy at the sitter who turned 3 in February.  He talks very little, is very shy, is very short and just overall tiny.  Zane and this boy seem miles apart in their development.  

I'm so proud and so much in love with this kid.

How do I love thee

My posting has been a bit lax as of late. I had no way of knowing how much “having a family” would interfere with my procrastinating.

We are settling into a family routine and I must say I LOVE IT!

My husband has been working with his brother every day since losing his job. Which is good and bad. The good…he’s working. YAY! The bad…he’s racking up miles on his truck and we’ve already had a $408 repair bill for a new water pump...which is a whole other story.

Anyway, he is done early enough to pick the boy up on his way home. I’m on morning drop off duty, which I don’t love, but it beats having to do drop off AND pick up.

We all arrive home around the same time each night. I typically cook dinner and leave the 2 of them to eat and play while I scurry off to the gym. I love having the opportunity to go to the gym every day. When I return, I scarf down dinner and have nearly an hour of play time with the boy before bedtime. I love this new schedule.

On the weekends we have been doing things as a family, as well as giving each other a break to do whatever we want. Last Saturday we went to the Ann Arbor Hands on Museum. The boy and I have been several times, but this was the first time Daddy was able to join us. Daddy loved it! I purchased a membership since we still have money flowing in. We had a great time and also hooked up with an old friend (thanks FB) for lunch. The boy really took to her. Sunday, I took the boy to the zoo and to lunch so Daddy could have some time to do things around the house...our electrical was jacked up, our back door was falling off the frame, etc.

This past Saturday we met friends at a park and caught up while the boys played (their boy is 5 1/2 years o ld and only about an inch taller than our boy...ut oh), then we all went to dinner. We tried a new Mexican restaurant called El Nuevo Vallarta . You know how snobbish I am about Mexican restaurants…I admit that this place was pretty good. I’m convinced, however, that it’s somehow related to El Camino .

Sunday morning the boy and I headed to the grocery store – one of his favorite places, my least favorite. We did see 4 Toledo Firemen shopping and stopped to talk to them. They liked the boys frog boots. One of the firemen asked if he was going to turn into a frog, to which my son replied "no, a tadpole first". That's my boy. Thanks Curious George.

Later in the day Sunday, daddy and the boy played outside and gave me some time. I have been dying for new living room furniture, and did manage to get a new tv stand, but since we can’t afford a whole room of new stuff right now, I settled for re-arranging and cleaning everything. This sure helped! I have felt lately like clutter is taking over my house and I'm determined to beat it.

My back hurts a bit from rearranging furniture, but I’m confident that it’s only temporary and my injections are still working.

I'm thrilled by how much happier I feel. I have a family, I have a bit of freedom, I’m getting exercise, I see my husband more...there's so much RIGHT right now. It seems almost surreal that I would be so happy given our situation.

We’re still living off severance, so we haven’t felt the true effect of living on one income plus unemployment yet, but I feel confident that we will be ok. Especially if his brother's company remains busy. We do have a bit of a nest egg built up, and we can manage on one income plus unemployment wages, we just have to be frugal (WTF is that?) and live on a budget. It can and will be done.

I actually feel sort of like a new person. I am really really loving life right now.

Linkback Contest

I'm absolutely dying for new livingroom furniture and really want/need 2 mission style end tables, a coffee table and a tv stand. I found this awesome online store...and love love love this! Now if I can only afford it!


Good news is, they're having a linkback contest. I could win a Mission Tiffany style lamp or a Mission bookcase. What fun!

Clutter

I'm not a fan of it. But it seems to haunt me.

A friend of mine will be welcoming a grandson in May. Her son and daugher-in-law are in a financial pickle (who isn't?) and so she asked if we had any boy items we would like to sell or give to them.

I had already donated most of his clothes from the past 2 years and kept a bag full of sentimental-ish clothing that some day I will have made into a quilt, so I really have no clothes for them. I recently sold all of his baby Robeez on eBay. And even most of his toddler/walker shoes, too.

So, I took inventory of the things we still have that would be useful for a newborn: we have 2 Diaper Champs and 2 changing table pads and 4 changing table covers. Yet, our son has been out of diapers for 3 months. We have a pack-n-play and a pack-n-play sport (for outdoor use) - we have never used the Sport, and haven't used the other since October of last year and even then it was not a success. We have a booster chair that hasn't been used since before he turned 2. We have a floor activity gym (the panda) that was given to us by a friend - probably my sons favorite thing when he was an itty-bitty - but hasn't been used in more than 2 years. We have a snap-n-go stroller frame (that you snap the carseat into and it becomes a stroller), that was probably used 10 times - and certainly not since he was about 3 months old!

All of these things are NO LONGER IN MY HOUSE! It's an incredible feeling.

I was up at 4:15am this morning (due to going to sleep at 7pm last night, thanks to 2 valium and another shot in the spine) and was very excited to have my half bath back. No changing table pad on the counter, and no diaper champ on the floor. I promptly put all the other stuff that was in a basket on the counter, in a drawer (creams, lotions, bandaids, hand sanitizer, thermometer, etc). I put the basket on the back of the toilet and put bath spray, and the books my son likes to read while he poops in it. WOW. What a difference. No more chaos in the half bath.

I wasn't able to do anything with the changing table in his room this morning. My husband built a shelf in the closet and that's what was used as the changing table in his room. It was very handy and very inconspicious. Until I can get that shelf taken out, it will probably just sit there with nothing on it and that's fine by me.

I'm going to try to tackle some other clutter areas of the house. Next stop: the Living Room.

Pig pen

He picks up toys at the sitter.  He's a sweet boy when we have play dates and is always very helpful and eager to please when others are around.  

This is a photo of his playroom after the weekend.  He refuses to pick up any of it.  He dumped every single toy from every bin.  

I am not cleaning this room.  Forget it.  

Hey, whassup?

Wow.  It's March already.  I posted two whole times in February.  Clearly, I am an overachiever.

So, a lot has happened...I bought a car.  A '09 Scion xB.  I absolutely love it.  I do think this car would still have been in my top 4 if we weren't working on a tight (unemployment) budget...I probably would have added a few extras though.  But, it's super de duper fun to drive.  I love the way it looks.  The boy loves it and tells me so everytime he rides in it.  It's just plain fun.  And I needed a little fun.  Photo of the boy in the car, saying cheese and chewing on his coat.  He started chewing on his coat when we "lost" the ninny's.  

My husband's last day was the 26th of February.  I am afraid and anxious about what our future holds.  My husband isn't the type to just sit around and collect unemployment.  He is meeting with an advisor next week to talk about furthering his education.  His brother has told him to plan on working with him every day until he says otherwise.  So, that's awesome.  As long as he is working steady with his brother, the financial shock of $452 minus taxes per week won't hurt so bad.  Plus, he's getting severance pay for the next 8 weeks, so we'll bank the money he earns with his brother.  Thank goodness.

I had a Lumbar Epidural Steroid Injection in my lower back.  The procedure was completely painless and I have been pain free for 2 weeks.  It's amazing.  I am so used to living with this pain that I often find myself doing simple tasks, that used to cause pain, with the same delicate manuvering I was so used to.  I catch myself and then realize...Hey, this doesn't hurt!  I still have neck/shoulder pain, but it's manageable, and my visits with my massage therapist are helping!  It's stress...I carry stress in my shoulders and neck.  Always have.

The boy had the first ear infection of his life.  He was up nearly the entire night - the night of my back injection.  Thankfully my husband was "off", so he was able to stay up/comfort him since I was not supposed to lift more than 5 lbs for 12 hours.  I stayed home from work the next day and snuggled him back to health.  

About 2 days later, I ended up with the crud.  And then a couple days after that my husband got it.  We have been a sick germy household for 2 weeks.

This is the first time any of us have been sick all season.  It was a real bummer.  

We're as busy as can be at work.  I'm putting in some OT, and I sorta dig it.  It's job security.  And now that my husband isn't working that stupid schedule, I can actually put in extra hours if need be.  I always felt guilty for not being able to stay late on any given day.  Plus, the OT $ will come in handy.

The boy is potty trained.  We put sleep underpants (a pull-up) on at nap time and night time.  He is often dry after his nap, but still wets quite a bit at night.  I presume the nighttime thing will just work itself out.  During the day he is in underpants and always tells us (or whoever is "watching" him) that he has to go potty.  He likes to stand up and pee and often steps up on his stool and pee's without any supervision.  We haven't had any pee accidents since about the first 3 or 4 days and haven't had a poop accident in at least a month.  

I started back to the gym again after 2 weeks of the crud.  And now that I don't have to deal with my husbands stupid schedule, I can go every night if I want.  And...I think I want to, which is very exciting.  I still dream of running, and now that my back doesn't hurt, the only hurdle left is the fear of image.  I will get over it.  I so want to lose this weight.  I don't know this fat chic.

We're settling into a family routine which is really nice.  I quite like this new gig.  Being a family.

My Johnny!

So, as you are aware...my lease is up, and I am in search of a new car. This search comes at an absolutely terrible time for us. But, I suppose it's better that it happens now rather than in 2 months! Let me tell you. It ain't easy trying to find a car you like, that is big enough for your family, on a limited budget.

Here is a summary of my test-drives:

Volkswagon CC = pure, unadulterated lust = too expensive. Finally a VW car that doesn't make me feel like the jolly green giant. In a different situation...this car would be mine! In three years...maybe it will be.

Nissan Altima = still really like inside and out. Insurance has drastically increased for some reason which makes it too expensive. Returning Nissan lessee advantages.

Nissan Rogue = super-de-duper cute and fun. Rear visibility issues. Price is right. Returning Nissan lessee advantages.

Hyundai Sonata = very nice interior, super smooth ride, good meaty car. Very impressed. Hyundai has changed a lot over the years. Love the Assurance program...especially now. Price could be right if the salesperson wasn't a cross between Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson. He doesn't want to work with me, so I am walking away.

Toyota Corolla = "Sport" package. Super cute. Fun to drive. Nice interior, fun sporty exterior, nice handling. Teeny back seat. Price is right.

Toyota Camry = Nice smooth ride, asthetically pleasing interior. Bored to tears. Nothing, absolutely nothing, about this car makes me want to buy it. Couldn't wait to get out of it for fear of falling asleep at the wheel or my hair turning blue.

Mazda 6 = slick, super slick, exterior. Big bold front end. Nice interior. Terrible ride. Sluggish. Bumpy. Ick. Don't even care how much it costs. Not interested.

And now the top 2:

Scion xB = decided to drive on a whim. Have always thought they were fun and funky. Enter vehicle=LOVE. Drive vehicle=LOVE. Price vehicle=love. No haggle price...don't love. Aside from the funk-factor of this vehicle, I love the cavernous interior, the layout of everything on the inside - the use of space is fantastic, the ride is nice and smooth, firm handling, meaty feeling. The price is right...the gas mileage - eh, not so much.

Prius = Love. Love the roomy interior, love the handling, the smooth shift from battery to gas, super quiet cabin. I'm a city driver...this is the perfect option for me. 48 mpg average. Price = HIGH.

Now the fun stuff:

The Prius dealership brought the vehicle to me for a test drive. Quality customer service. The price was high. I started negotiating pretty agressively by asking for $4000 off the MSRP, there is a $1000 cash back bonus, so I was really asking for 5k off. They couldn't do it, but claimed they had shaved all they could off the price. It was too much for our limited budget, so I thanked them and walked away.

I fell in love with the xB and had convinced myself that I was going to get it, the only thing holding me back was the terrible gas mileage (22/28, really?). The Prius sales manager would occassionally send me emails and I would reply with "still looking", "the Prius is too expensive", etc. They also sell the Corolla, which, other than the small back seat, it was still in my top 4.

Then all the sudden, the Prius guy sends me another offer, which happens to be nearly $40 less per month. Hmmm. The only catch - he can no longer do a dealer trade at this price, so I am stuck with one of the three he has on his lot. Red, light blue or white. Well...white is the only one I would even consider. I've had white vehicles in the past...do I care? I'm not sure. I really wanted black. The xB is black!

Insurance on the xB vs the Prius is within a few dollars. And now the payment is within a few dollars. They are lined up side by side...I love them both, they are the same cost monthly...except for one nagging factor. The gas mileage. 22 mpg vs 48 mpg. There really is no comparison.

I really think I HAVE TO be practical, for once. It would really be stupid of me to get the xB simply because I love the funky factor and blackness.

I do love the Prius. I think I have to get it. When gas prices top $4/gallon again (and you're kidding yourself if you think they won't) I will be smiling! *cheesy white car smile*

****

I wrote the above blog entry Sunday night. I was 90% sure I was going to get the Prius. I woke up Monday morning, cancelled the appointment for my husband to drive the xB and went to work. I, once again, weighed pros and cons. You may think I'm obsessing, but given our situation, there really isn't much wiggle room where I need to be with the overall monthly cost of the vehicle. I started drafting an email to the Prius dealer, telling them I liked their offer and would like to buy it from them.

Then my blackberry buzzes. The xB guy. He's sorry I cancelled & *needs* to talk to me. May be able to work out a deal. Basically, I tell him if he can meet or beat the Prius offer and get me one in black - he would win the Prius purchase. If he could make the xB more attractive, to make up for the gas mileage issue, I would re-consider the xB.

He can't even come close to the Prius deal. But, be comes back with a payment of $40 less per month than the original **NO HAGGLE** pricing on the xB, same terms. Huh? I ask for details. I get them. I told him I thought the xB pricing was "Pure Pricing" and there was no negotiating. He said he wasn't negotiating. He was breaking the rules. Hmmm. Well, rules ARE meant to be broken.

So, now, I'm back on the xB bandwagon. I mean, seriously, the $40 payment difference makes up for the gas mileage, it's black, and it's what I wanted to begin with. Done. We get it Saturday.

The pursuit of happyness....Johnny Cab style.

*cheesy black car with terrible gas mileage grin*

Ramblings

I rounded the corner after making lunch for the Boy to see his latest project. Ugly Dolls napping on the steps!
*****
LaRiche Toyota, of Findlay OH, delivered a car to my office on Friday for a TEST DRIVE. Yes, a test drive. It was a Black Prius. I love it. Much roomier than I anticipated, and fun to drive. A little out of my price range, but if they are willing to drive 45 minutes for a test drive, I'll bet they are willing to work for my business. Customer service wise - they WIN. Still have a few others to drive. Waiting for February lease offers to come out too...today or tomorrow.
*****
Got our January Gas bill...only $479.82.
*****
Another weekend alone with the boy. I love this boy more than I can put into words, but it is exhausting and I tend to holler at him a lot. I don't want to, and I don't mean to, but he gets so whiney and needy and it just drives me nuts. I need medication. Thankfully, my husband's nightmare schedule will be over in a month! Anyway, Saturday morning we went to Target, which was fun. He picked out a new truck (surprise, surprise). He wanted one of the big, noisy, $20 trucks, but I told him no. He had to pick a smaller truck and $6 was the limit. He already has about 2,000 trucks, and we need to cut back. After arguing and crying and threatening to leave, he choose a fire truck for $5.99. We headed to Michaels for some new Dot painting books and Scooby Doo cupcake cups/papers. On our way home...he spotted Rudy's Hot Dogs. "I need Rudy's Hot Dogs for lunch mommy!" So, I figured why not. Sunday morning we headed to Adrian to see Grandma and Grandpa. Fun times people, fun times.
*****
In addition to Rudy's for lunch on Saturday, I didn't pay one darn bit of attention to what I was putting in my mouth. I ate and ate and ate. And I ate junk. Not only did I bake cupcakes, I ate 3 of them. It was out of control. I am out of control. I am never going to get this weight off if I can't control myself. Thankfully I'm back to the gym tonight. I saw a "bigger" girl jogging on the treadmill last week, and you know what, she didn't look bad. So, I may try it. I shouldn't care about what I look like at the gym, but that's not me. This fat ass isn't me either. I'm not even comfortable in my skin right now.
*****
Found out on Friday that we will be getting year-end bonuses at work (we got a $1k Holiday bonus already). 2008 was the most profitable year in our history. It's awesome to work for a necessary evil and I'm very very thankful for this job.
*****
I think I'm getting a sinus infection. My head feels like it's going to explode and I have snot draining down the back of my throat which is making my throat itchy and I feel like I need to clear it 400 times a day. Mmm. Oh, and sinus infections and nose rings...not such a good combination.
*****
Got the results of my MRI. I have a bulging disk on the last vertibre on my spine. It's not herniated...yet. I see a Pain Specialist on the 10th. I told my Chiropractor about my husband's job and asked that we try and do everything we can to get me on the road to recovery in the month of February, since I will not likely be able to afford to visit 2-3 times a week any longer.
*****
I absolutely cannot stop looking at the wonderful handmade jewelry on etsy. Jewelry By Natsuko is my current obsession.
*****
Didn't eat any junk last night. Amazing how much better I feel.

My boy!

Daddy worked all weekend (gawd, I can't wait until he is done working at that awful place!) so it was jut me and the boy. Saturday morning we had a play date. A friend of Mommy's and her 2 boys came over for a few hours. The boys had a BLAST and it was super fun for me to A) not have to be the one playing with him all day long and B) see him have so much fun with his friends and C) visit with my friend.

They left shortly after lunch (for naptime, natch) and my son cried for 20 minutes.

"I need my friends!"
"Mommy, I want my friends to come back!"
"Ma-a-a-me-e-e-ee! I neeeeed them!"

It was sad. It was pitiful. I felt terrible, actually. I realized how much this boy NEEDS to play with other kids. Sure, he plays with other children at the sitter. But, we're down to only 3 days there per week now, which means 4 days are spent with adults only. As much as I LOVE winter, and I do love love love it, it seems that we spend all of our time holed up (and alone) in the house. It's been really cold too, too cold to play outside on most days. And that's sad too because we all really dig playing in the snow. Plus...going places for me typically means buying stuff and I've really been trying to adjust to living on a budget. It's really really hard, so I would rather just not go anywhere. Not be tempted, which turns out to actually mean...I'm punishing my child for my own lack of control. Urgh.

So, Sunday morning I decided we needed to get out. We headed to the mall. I do think the play area at the mall is disgusting. A breeding ground for germs and gross kids I wouldn't really choose for him to play with while their parents yap-yap-yap on their cell phones. While their 10+ year old children run rampant in a baby/toddler/preschool play area. The type of parents who consider this area their "free babysitter". I hate it.

Anyway, so we headed into the mall. He spotted the "Build A Bear" store immediately. He wanted to go in and see if they had any "Dinosaur Bones" (not sure why, but he was convinced he would find dinosaur bones at the mall). He spotted a Panda Bear who he thought looked like "Little Pim", from his Mandarin Chinese DVDs. I asked if he wanted to watch them put stuffing in his belly and pick out an outfit for him. He sure did. So, that was fun. 20 minutes and $26 later, we had a bear named "Pim" and a whacky shirt and hat for him.

After adopting Pim, he told me he was hungry for lunch. We headed to the food court where he decided he wanted noodles. I spotted Nori Japanese. I ordered noodles and breaded chicken (like sweet n sour chicken), we split it. It was decent, and he loved it. The people sitting next to us couldn't get over his vocabulary and his noodle slurping abilities. We had one noodle that was, no joke, at least 18 inches long. I held it out while he slurped it up. The people just giggled.

We headed over to the ride on's after lunch. The ones that are NOT near the germy play area. The ride on's are germy, but they just don't seem as disgusting. He rode the dump truck 7 times. Finally, I told him I didn't have any more money and asked if he wanted to see if we could find some dinosaur bones.

We looked for dinosaur bones but didn't find any and headed out the door.

He was getting snoozy on the car ride home, so I told him he could watch 10 minutes of Scooby and then it was nap time. I got the typical throw yourself on the floor, hide your face and whimper and say "I don't want to take a nap. It's not nap time". Sorry, little man, it IS nap time. So, we headed up read a couple books, I hugged & kissed him, plopped him in his crib, covered him up, closed the door and left.

I started my typical naptime ritual of sitting on the couch with my laptop, catching up on all the Facebook happenings. I hear him CRYING! SOBBING!

I rarely go back in his room after I close the door for naps or night time, but this time it sounded different. I opened the door to find him sitting in bed, tears streaming down his face, holding Pim. Pim's hat had fallen off. He was devistated. He couldn't put it back on.

It's one of those hats that just has little elastic loops that fit around the stuffed animals ears. I put Pim's hat back on, layed his head on the boy's pillow, covered them both up, patted the boys head only to see that he was already sound asleep. Ahhh.

After his nap, we headed to the grocery store. I never, ever, ever, take him to the grocery store with me. But, I thought I would rather go when it was light out than deal with going after daddy gets home from work. So, he refused to sit in the cart, which I figured would happen sooner or later. He wanted to push. He loves to "help", so I put him to work. I told him which things to get and how many, and he got them and put them in the cart. More like threw them into the cart, but it's hard when you're only 37 1/2 inches tall. He was a great helper...and it wasn't as miserable of a experience as I anticipated.

Fun times, people, fun times.

Pride & Eloquence

WOW! What a day!

Yesterday was really something special, and something I will remember for the rest of my life.

Barack Obama, the first black President.

Do I really care so much that he is the first black President? Well, sorta. Do I care that he is a Democrat and that we finally have control back? YES! Do I believe he, and his staff, will do everything they can to fix America and that he is the right man for the job? YES! YES! YES!

I feel a new sense of hope. A new sense of pride. A new sense of accomplishment. A new sense of desire. Desire to be better. Desire to be a better person / wife / mother / daughter / friend / employee / neighbor.

It's refreshing to have an eloquent President. To be able to comprehend his words. To be INTERESTED in his words. To smile when he speaks. To cry when he speaks. To feel proud when he speaks. To feel compassion in his words. To feel urgency in his words. To feel desire in his words.

I hope this man inspires others (and you know who you are) to be better. To do better. To have pride. To have hope. To have desire. To strive to accomplish.

I'm excited to see what each new day / month / year brings.

And, his smile. It's infectious.

snippet

Daddy worked yesterday, so it was just me and the boy. The hilarious little guy that he is...

*****

Boy: "Mommy, do you have feet?"

Mommy: "Yes, of course I have feet. Don't you?"

Boy: "Nope, I don't not got feet anymore"

Mommy: "You don't? Where did they go?"

Boy: "They got smashed by a MONSTER truck!"

*****

(mommy peeing)

Boy: "You pee'd mommy?"

Mommy: "Yep, I sure did!"

Boy: [hug] "I'm so proud of you! You are such a big girl!"

*****

(boy ON dining room table, eating lunch)

Mommy: "Please get off the table and eat your lunch sitting in your chair!"

Boy: "I can't! My back hurts!"

(think he's heard that a few times?)

*****

New words (pronounced perfectly, I might add): Constantinople and Timbuktu, thanks to Dr. Seuss' "Hop on Pop"

*****

Boy: [lick] "Hi Mommy, I'm your new doggy!"

Mommy: "Yuck! I thought you were my big boy, not my doggy"

Boy: [twirling around] "I'm a cook-a-roo!"

*****

(on potty)

Boy: "I pooped! I did a super great job!"

Mommy: "Yep! You sure did!"

Boy: "Wanna look at it mommy?"

Mommy: "No thanks sweetie, I heard it plop"

Boy: "Me too! It PLOPPED loud!"

*****

He never ceases to amaze me, and can always make me crack up. As exhausting as it is to solo parent, and doubly exhausting with a bad back, he still brightens my every day.

Jammin'

I just love the way he is holding his guitar now.

It's almost like he knows what he is doing.

My little rock star! Rock on, big boy!

(Yes, his father is building with foam blocks behind him...what of it?)

I was dreaming when I wrote this...

2009. The year of ME. Right?

Well, I got my hair chopped off. Needed to do something with it. It was too long and stringy. And too MOM.

Got my nose pierced. I've wanted to get my nose pierced for like...forever. What better time than when you're weeks away from your last birthday. Not my last birthday because I'm dying. My last birthday because I turn 39 & there will be no more.

I'm going to a chiropractor to fix up my back and neck. X-rays reveal that my neck curves almost the exact opposite way it is supposed to, my mid back curves to the left, my hips are crooked, and the very last disk (low back) on my spine has worn down over time and is well...almost gone. So, it's practically bone on bone down there. Mmmm.

I knew about the low back last disk problem...it stems from playing "catcher" during my 4-5 years of playing softball in the 90s. I've been dealing with the pain for many years. It is, however, the worst it has ever been. Some days, I can barely move.

Visits to the chiropractor seem to be helping my neck pain considerably, but I'm afraid the low back stuff just isn't going to be fixed by adjustments/alignments. The chiopractor wants me to have an MRI and will likely refer me to a pain specialist. Mmmm. I guess that either means...drugs or injections. Well...whichever. If it makes me whole again. I'll do whatever it takes...and whatever my insurance covers.

On to the eating healthy, exercise, weight loss part of the "year of ME". Well, I'm a major f*ck up. I can't seem to stop eating crap. I go to the gym a couple days a week, but miss a day and then fall off for several more days. It's a terrible cycle.

I have MANY dreams of running on the treadmill at the gym. I see a lot of other women doing it. Thin women. Were they thin when they started running? Did running make them thin? Will running make me thin? I suspect it can't hurt...if I can make myself eat healthy. I have reconnected with a lot of friends via Facebook, and many of them run. I want to be like them. I have one friend who lost 25 lbs in 4 months by only adding running to her day. No diet changes.

I'm going to try. I'm going to try tonight. I worry what I will look like trying to run on a treadmill. I need to get over that. We are all at the gym for the same reason, right?

Must.Get.Over.Fear.Of.Image.

I have fear that it will hurt my back too, but I must try. Must.Try.

I decided to quit WW since I am throwing money down the drain by not following the program. Plus, well, my husband is losing his job and it's a cost that can be cut. I'm going to continue to try to do it on my own though, which shouldn't be hard since I know the program inside and out.

We're potty training the boy. He's doing a great job. Pooping is taking some coaxing, and getting him to actually slow down to pee is a bit of a challenge, but he is getting there. Still wearing underpants all day, and pull ups ("sleep underpants" for naps and nighttime). He had 1 accident all weekend. Doritos for pee, kitkats for poop. Mommy has eaten as much of these treats as he has. Bad mommy.

He's the funniest kid ever. We played in the snow a lot this weekend. He plopped his butt in the snow, cracked up and said "look mommy, I made snow butts". He also enjoyed sledding, helping to shovel, pushing (or trying to push) trucks in the snow, throwing snowballs at mommy, taking snowballs for sled rides, and just plain being outside. We got several inches of snow, but it wasn't as bone chilling cold as it has been, so we spent a lot of time outside. It was fun.

While reading a book this weekend, I asked what letters he saw on the page. I don't know why I do this...he knows the alphabet. I guess it's habit. He replied "no mommy, I don't need to talk with those letters right now". I guess he told me.

Now if he would just tell me to stop eating his snacks we'd be all set.

Too funny not to post

Thanks ladies at "Go Fug Yourself" for this one...


I am still laughing. The trash shoes crack me up.

I needed this today. Thanks. XOXO

Oh crap!

It's official. I think I am having a mid-life crisis.

2 weeks ago, I got a new tattoo. I've been wanting another one for a long time and finally got around to doing it.

Last Wednesday, I went to see a Chiropractor. I have been needing to see one for many years - I think the last time I saw one was 2001. My back has progressively gotten worse since having a child, but I rarely take time to take care of myself so I have been letting is slide. This isn't really a "mid-life crisis" thing...but it is something unusual.

Last Friday, I got about 8 inches of hair cut off & my nose pierced.

I've done absolutely nothing to try to lose weight recently. But that is going to change too. This fat person isn't me. I'm over it. It's time for a new me.

I'm not really sure if this is a mid-life crisis as I'm only 38 (gonna be 39 in a few weeks - ick), I think it's more of a "boring mom crisis". Boring ME crisis. What happened to ME crisis. I think a lot of women go thru that phase...after having a child...where you put everyone and everything else before you. True, true, my son is nearly 3 years old...and I do buy a lot of things and that is self indulgent, but I rarely do anything to "take care" of myself. Well, I'm over it. It's time for a new me.

*****
We got a letter - or, rather, a MEMO - from my husband's employer. They are closing the location where he works. There were rumblings that this was going to happen, so we knew, but it didn't become official until we received the MEMO, on plain white paper, on December 31st. Happy Friggin New Year. The "permanent layoff" is effective March 1, or within 2 weeks after. So, he'll be unemployed. Unless he finds another job, that is. Which is a great possibility since there are so many darn good opportunities out there (insert sarcasm here).

A national statistic. Yippee.

A few weeks ago his employer announced a 10% paycut, across the board, in an effort to keep people employed. The pay cut became effective on January 1st. So, we're coping with 10% less money until March 1st, and then 50% less (unemployment), which will actually equal 60% less than he was making on December 31st, thanks to the 10% pay cut. So, yippee. We're going to try to live on my income plus 40% of my husbands previous income. This should be, um, interesting, to say the least.

Of course, we have completely mixed feelings about this. On the one hand...he's been wanting to get out of there FOREVER, and has been looking for a new job for some time. The need to leave was exacerbated by recent events involving physical harm to my husband by a subordinate, which resulted in some unpaid time off and a slap on the hand for the assailant and basically no support or protection for my husband from the company. And on the other hand...well, you can guess. Unemployed = less $. There are opportunities within the company, if we want to relocate. I really don't have a problem relocating...but not for this employer. Forfuckingetit.

It is interesting to see the change in my husband though. Knowing his time there is coming to an end. He's happier. He's sleeping better. He's more agreeable and less arguementative. So, I am going to think positive - and call this a good thing.

Of course, if he doesn't find a job right away we will save on childcare as the boy will be home with Daddy a minimum of 2 days per week. And we're confident that the home improvement business will pick up once the weather breaks and once people start receiving tax refunds, so he will be able to supplement by working with his brother. It will be ok. Really, it will. I do, sortof, feel like I have to keep saying that though. It.Will.Be.OK.

We're not broke. We do have a nest egg. He will likely get a severance. We aren't in debt up to our eyeballs. BUT.STILL. Who wants to go through this?


So, all of my talk about being on a budget and learning how to curb my spending...well, now it's a reality. And that's ok. And my vehicle lease is up on March 1st. What timing. My plan is to get something before March 1st, that way they won't know we are in the poor house. Without 2 incomes, I can't get what I want, but I can get another Altima. And I do like my Altima. So, there, it's settled. Unless of course, he finds a new job making lots n lots of fat cash, then I will get the car I want.

Surprisingly, there have been quite a few nearby positions that my husband seems suited for - but we have to remember that there are, oh, about 500 thousand other people applying for those same jobs. Humf.

*****

This past weekend, we tackled Potty Training. We talked about it with the boy on Friday night. He seemed hip to trying to use the potty the next day. We've talked about it for several months, and every once in a while he has wanted to sit on the potty, but we never encouraged it. I really don't want this to take forever. I have friends who say their child(ren) took a year to potty train! No thanks!!! I want it to be done in a weekend and move on.

Anyway, Saturday morning rolled around and after he ate breakfast and drank some milk, we took off and said good bye to his diaper, sat on the potty, and then put on big boy underwear. About every 15-20 min, we asked if he had to go potty. And about every half hour or so we went into the bathroom and sat on the potty, just to see if there was anything in there ("my penis is empty, mommy"). He successfully peed on the potty after about the third time sitting on it, he was very excited! He did have 2 accidents in his underwear. But, as soon as he started going, he told me he was going, and we ran to the bathroom. He peed in the potty again before his nap. For his nap, he wore a pull-up, which he hates. Since I already knew he hated them, I called them "sleep underwear". He thought that was ok, and agreed to put them on.

After his nap (he woke up dry!!) we changed into big boy underpants and spent the rest of the day asking, trying, and going. His typical poop timeframe rolled around (right after dinner, go figure) and when I heard a "toot" we headed to the bathroom. We read books and held our hand up to our ears to "hear the toots in the toilet" and low and behold...PLOP PLOP. The look on his face was awesome. He told me that he pooped. And sure as shit (pun intended) we looked in the toilet, and there was his poop. He thought that was cool. I was very impressed as I have heard that pooping in the toilet is the hardest part. He's advanced, I can't help it.

Day number 2 went just about the same as day number 1. A couple accidents in the underwear, but a pretty successful day with several pees on the potty and a poop too. And day 3 was spent at the sitter. She said he had 1 accident.

Since this kid is motivated by food, his rewards for peeing = doritos, and reward for pooping = kitkats.

He is doing such a great job and I am so very impressed and proud of my big boy. I realize that, going forward, my days with him are going to be spent asking if he has to go to the bathroom, but I'm so sick and tired of changing diapers and having all that crap (pun, again intended) in my house. I can't wait to throw away the changing pads and diaper champs. Can't.Wait.

Plus, hello, cost savings! No more diapers! Hopefully the 20 pair of underwear I bought him last until Daddy gets a job. Ha ha.

auf wiedersehen, 2008

The author of one of the awesome blogs I read posted a list of things that happened in the year since her last birthday (she turned 35, damn it), and I thought it was an awesome post. I am posting something similar, only, this post covers the year 2008, instead of the year between birthdays. I am sure I cannot compare to her awesomeness, and I am sure I will miss some things, but here's my futile attempt.

2008: A Year In Review
ο I had an evil monster (Mirena) expelled from my uterus
ο I cried & celebrated when my son turned 2
ο I spent some time in a job trailer
ο I got a 12% raise at work - because I asked for it (and deserve it)
ο I celebrated 9 years of wedded bliss
ο I thought I was losing my mind, and was relieved to learn it was just the IUD making me crazy
ο I celebrated my husband's vasectomy
ο I traveled to NY 2 times - NYC and Niagara Falls
ο I got locked out of my house, and out of my running car and spent 2 hours outside in 25 degree weather dressed for work, not dressed for "outside". I cried when my husband finally saved me
ο I got a new tattoo
ο I celebrated 9 years of being smoke-free
ο I joined weight watchers (again) and am struggling to lose the "baby" weight
ο I donated clothing to Goodwill and shoes to Soles4Souls
ο I donated more shoes than I purchased this year
ο I sold stuff on eBay
ο I dreamed about cigarettes
ο I reconnected with some long-lost friends
ο I started blogging
ο I joined a gym (and actually go occasionally)
ο I celebrated my son's 3rd Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas...and all the other holidays after May 19th
ο I proudly voted for Barack Obama, and sobbed when he won the election
ο My house has a new driveway and is partially insulated
ο I took my son to the Emergency Room for the 1st time
ο I took my son to the Emergency Room for the 2nd time
ο At 38, I am the oldest person in my office
ο I mourned the loss of a parent of 4 of my friends, and the loss of 1 friends husband
ο I missed my 20 year high school reunion
ο I celebrated my husbands 10% pay cut...it beats losing his job altogether*
ο I attended my first NYC wedding
ο I proudly put a political sign in my yard for the 1st time
ο I supported my husband as he prosecuted one of his employees for assault
ο I celebrated 5 years with my employer
ο I went to my high school homecoming, to catch up with friends I missed at the 20 yr reunion - it was the first football game of any kind I have attended in, oh, 20 years
ο I converted our spare bedroom into a playroom for the boy, and he loves it
ο I re-connected with my long-lost niece, who turned 18 this year
ο I got a Blackberry and now completely understand the moniker
ο I still love the taste of beer, but rarely drink it or any other alcohol
ο I gave support to friends who were diagnosed with Hepatitus C and Stage 2 Breast Cancer
ο I gave Bratwurst a second chance and have decided it's not half bad

*More exciting news on this later…


All in all, it was a good year for us. A few bumps and bruises but I think you can always expect that.

Here's to 2009. The year of ME, where I intend to get the weight off, get my back fixed/aligned, get my acne cleared up, get my hair cut off, get another tattoo or two, and many many other things.